Prep notes for an upcoming marital session

They have deep-seated enmity – mostly anger not sadness about each other. At this point, I am limited by my assumption that she has a pampered princess personality and a blithe sense of always being right. It may not be a full Narcissistic Personality. My assumption is limiting because I don’t see any such attitudinal a priori in him. He seems to me clear, reality-grounded, but just shut down because of his experience of the futility of talking with her. In other words, in my view he is “winning” the marital contest: He is right, she is wrong.

I will question my assumption while I am questioning them.

Some off-the-top ideas:

“You are both hurt, you feel permanently let down, permanently injured by the other. That is a terrible feeling. But where does it come from? I believe it comes from the feeling – probably not voiced or thought aloud – that the one person who should love you has turned against you. That’s what a marital pledge is. And you need this dedication. It replaces the parent, whose love is (or should be) not contingent.

“But what if you two started off – as you know you did – without enough information about each other. Without all the seeds of perfect love in place? You chatted on-line for a while, rendezvoused, then married quickly. This does not seem to be the place of a soulmate who has somehow, criminally, quit the needed unconditional love. I am sure you need to acknowledge this beginning, realize it was imperfect, then look at each other anew with eyes that are compassionate for yourself and the other. From that new ground, you ask yourself if beneath each person’s behaviors, you are pleased with his and her character. Do you like the person?

“But, there is a deeper question, that may sound sort of ‘zen’ or cloudy or uncomfortable. It’s not a question that I’ve ever seen any individual or couple ask themselves, but I’ll present it to you. It is: Should you want to like the character of your partner, even if you don’t, or are ambivalent or oscillating about it? Here is the nature of the depth of that question:

“First, I hope you do feel there is something right, maybe strangely right, about your union even if it makes you unhappy much or most of the time. From that ground, you need to look at other brutally honest questions.

“ * Can your need to feel loved actually be met significantly? If there is some depression, that means you are somewhat stuck in the past, and your deepest need for love is stuck in the past. The present cannot fully meet it.

“ * If there is depression, will you actually be attracted to the healthiest, most giving person? Or might such a person make you feel uncomfortable because her offering touches your child’s heart that you had to put away a long time ago?

“If this situation fits you, then you may have to see your own limitations of receiving love. Also of giving it, because depression is our lost neediness – a difficult place to give from. When you see your limitations, you may, in a kind of quiet epiphany, accept yourself more and your partner more, and want to give more.

“If rather than depression, you are in the different place of believing you are always right, of needing to be right in all meaningful matters, you will need to do more work, difficult work on yourself. Because that is a defensive character that keeps you from knowing yourself, your humanness. Real human beings in a marriage – that finally tries to give us some real love and peace – must always care enough about the other person’s feelings to be willing to see where they come from, that it’s who they are, and it is OK.

“That’s the real love.”