Bare naked friends

An old college friend, whom I haven't seen in many years, recently emailed me some cosmic questions about life. While these were questions that any serious and open-minded thinker might ask another thinker, there was a special powerful and piquant feeling to his concerns, as “John” has lived a uniquely searching and spiritual life for the last fifty years. He has studied esoteric healing practices and the wisdom of ancient and contemporary teachers, in his various retreats, sabbaticals and pilgrimages to foreign meccas.

 

Here are his questions:

 

Lately, I have been contemplating the topic of compassion, forgiveness and widening my scope of love - because it is becoming more and more difficult not only for myself, but perhaps for others, to interpret behaviors and motivations in our modern world in a magnanimous and charitable way.

 

As a deep thinker about human psychology, traumatization, and emotional healing, you strike me as a good one to consult on my wonderings.

We have the war in Ukraine, which in my opinion doesn’t have any heroes on either side, because so many innocents are being destroyed, handicapped, or otherwise devastated. 

We also have a lot of bad medicine carelessly studied, prepared and marketed more fror profit than desire to help humanity, which, I think, as a counselor, you are less inclined than most to recommend - as, at best, it suppresses symptoms, and is not likely to get to the root of pain and self medication.

It is said that forgiveness is mainly for the forgiver.

 

What is a wholesome way to live in a world that frankly seems more about evil than ignorance and blunder?

 

I initially thought I would reply in The Pessimistic Shrink style, which would helplessly feature the purple prose that I am always embarrassed to read aloud. Instead, I produced this off-the-cuff:

 

It feels best, to me, to give you some bullet-point thoughts rather than an essay or a lecture, which feels pretentious.

 

I personally don’t try to “interpret behaviors and motivations in a magnanimous and charitable way.” That fact relates to the difference between doing therapy and living. In therapy, I may not have Carl Rogers’s “unconditional positive regard,” but I do find myself having a feeling of compassion for almost every client. Example: A man came in because people told him he was off-putting and unpleasant. He watched a number of youtube videos and gave himself a provisional diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But he wanted to know for sure, so he came to me for an assessment. When I verified his self-diagnosis, he cried. I felt for him. However, if I had met him in the outside world – while still being a psychologically-minded person – I would likely have found him obnoxious or pitiable. I would have no reason to activate a sense of compassion for him. How does that “double standard” work? People who are in therapy know there is something wrong with them and want to be helped, want to be different. That is what evokes my warmth and care. So – is there really a double standard? I’d say “no.” Because of the way I’m built and have grown through my own self-work, I would feel these positive and helpful feelings toward anyone in the world who appeared troubled and was open to help – even the narcissist.

 

I am not loving toward anyone but my wife (and pets), but I am “magnanimous” and caring. The source of that is not simple. That is, it’s not just “being a caring person.” I remain, to a meaningful degree, shut down because of my unloved childhood, so I only have a certain amount of caring feelings to give, and those feelings are doubtless mixed with my own neediness for affection. That is, my altruism is significantly selfish.

 

I’d offer that as a lesson in the complexity of feeling and motivation, and a lesson in the necessary naturalness of feeling. Meaning: I don’t and can’t work to “forgive” or “widen my scope of love.” We feel what we feel, and trying to change our feeling by thinking different simply cannot work. Do abusive Catholic priests think different, re-read the Bible, and then come to feel respectful of the personhood of their sexual abuse victims? Did Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson become a good person who loves animals because he immersed himself in the poetics of Sanskrit and the dogma of Freud? No – the feelings are who they are or who they became in the crucible of childhood.

 

As to forgiveness, I mostly endorse my blog article.* The only addition I would make is: Actual “organic” forgiveness can only correspond to the amount of healing of wounds the person has done. Being relatively healed of childhood pain – if and when possible – brings a renewed heart, and with it a “new natural” feeling of benevolence. That would include forgiveness.

 

As to the evil in the world, I’d casually differentiate sickness from deliberate sickness. An angry, botched person such as Trump need not have been vigorously destructive. This was choice. In my twenties and thirties, I was a solidly minor league narcissist. I didn’t know it as I had no introspective ability. I vaguely knew that I was hurting people’s feelings, but the self-medicative haze of the narcissism, and the weakness of the rest of my structure, blocked any actionable awareness. If I was “evil” then, it would have been at the lower end of the continuum, higher up being those who foment insurrections and cage immigrant children.

 

As to a “wholesome way to live in the world,” my first thought is: Do you have, along with the rest of the molecular mess of your psyche, a sense of dignity and vitality in the world? For me, it’s partly healing and partly old age that make me feel good to see a bug on a leaf, or rescue one stranded in my apartment. I have a positive – not “happy” – feeling when I take a walk late at night, or when I wash the dishes for my wife. I didn’t create this feeling. It somehow escaped being killed in my childhood.

 

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* https://pessimisticshrink.blogspot.com/2017/05/curmudgeon-2-forgiveness.html