Gems of generalization #1: Baby mama and baby grandma

 

A woman wrote to slate.com’s advice columnist, “Dear Prudence,” a grievance about her mother. In part and in segments: 

“My problem is my mother. My brothers’ wives are both expecting, and she is over the moon about being a grandma. Except neither of my sisters-in-law are particularly close to my mother. . . . My mother will stalk their social media in order to get the latest news. She has set her phone to ping when they post. And now, all our conversa­tions revolve around the pregnancies and speculation about the babies. I honestly don’t care if the nursery has a zoo theme or not. I especially don’t want to discuss it 15 different times. I have tried redirecting the conversations or bringing up new topics, but my mother just bulldozes back to babies.

“For example, recently, while figure skating, the rink owner came up to me and asked me if I wanted to earn some extra money as a part time coach since it was obvious I had the right experience. I agreed. I met my mother later for dinner. When I entered the house, I told her I had exciting news. She stopped cooking and exploded into a smile: You are having a baby! I told her no – I got offered a job because of my figure skating. All my mother’s enthusiasm leaked away. . . . I was hurt and my mother kept pushing and pushing more baby talk at me. I snapped and told her I was sick of the subject. Could we talk about something else? My mother told me not to be ‘jealous.’ . . .

“I have always been close to my mom, since my brothers are much older and dad died when I was young. I understand she is excited, but it is like I don’t exist anymore. My only use in life is to be a road to grandbabies, and if I don’t (and I am leaning towards don’t), well, what do I matter? . . . My mother has her priorities set and interest in me is in the negatives. I am hurt. I am lonely. I miss my mom. . . . My life, my goals, and my passions are worthless to my mother, all because she is going to be a grandma. . . . What should I do?”

I disliked Prudence’s response and posted this comment:

"What a sweet and useless answer to the non-child daughter from Prudie. My take is that the daughter was 'close' to her mother, growing up, not because of a healthy bond but because the daughter was always needy of and clinging to a mother who had other priorities. There is a phenomenon where faulty mothers become golden (-seeming) grandmothers. It is not easy to understand, but it may be similar to those Borderline Personality-disordered mothers* who disrespect their own teenage daughters but fawn over their daughters’ friends. The mother is immature, still a child, and can’t 'relate' as a source of nurturant authority to her daughter. But as a child herself, she seeks attention and approval from outsiders – her daughters’ friends. And then, her daughter’s child. It’s a logical set of dynamics."

I’ve written about toxic grandmothers (https://pessimisticshrink.blogspot.com/2015/05/a-warning-to-grandmothers.html), those who degraded and abused their own daughters then swooped in like pink knights in shining armor to fete the grandchild, sometimes went the attorney route to win “grand­parent’s rights,” sometimes tried to wrest custody of the child. Here I just wanted to ask affected daughters and sons (and their therapists) to see the mystery of a parent who loves the grandchild and not them. It will not be because you are unworthy. It will be because your parent is a child needing a parent, a friend.

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* There could be other dysfunctions of immaturity, not necessarily a personality disorder, and fathers are not excluded from this dynamic.