The sissy moment of truth

You’ve probably heard this casual wisdom. People will say that “no one really knows how they’d act in a life-or-death crisis.” They seem to be claiming that in extremis, we may not be the Self that we are familiar with. Does this sound deep? True? It’s not self-explanatory, but I don’t recall running into anyone who has thought otherwise. I can go some way toward a personal explanation.

I suspect my root character came out of a premature birth, Caesarian delivery and incubator loss of original mother-child bond. I believe – with the help of Janov’s Primal theory – that a Caesarian birth can imprint a child with passivity: All energy of agency is lost at the blueprint of life. That could explain me. I had not a smidgen of initiative all through childhood, and despite appearances, still barely have any. Repression would have started that early, too, as overwhelming feeling (birth trauma) shuts itself down. I grew into a child sissy, as there was no self to resist the energy of anyone’s presence, their mental or physical push.

Our adolescence grows slanted from a skewed childhood. Our adulthood is a building on that bent terrain.

Now, if there were a terrible crisis, I am quite sure I would become one of three manifestations. The sissy would stand, dissociated and trembling, in its own vacuum in the storm: a home invasion, for instance. Or the rageful destroyer would finally emerge, pressed down over decades from the first infantile moments of repression of injustice. Quiet people may do that, to the surprise of others. Or a mixed chemistry would happen: a slow-moving benumbed and conflicted actor performing some quality of the right thing: resist or fight. Do I really have no idea which character would appear? In fact I do. Over the years, I have predetermined, by will and conviction supported by different truths – dignity and revenge – that I would completely destroy the other, send them to hell. That is not the manly strength it may superficially seem. It would be the extreme because I would lack the capacity for adult moderation, would revert to the "all good" or "all bad" of Object Relations theory – another fault of a birth or infancy that lacked love and bond.

I offer this as a guide for those who fear they might not act well in the moment of war or rape or invasion. See what your innermost seed is. If it is weak like mine, see what you feel about it. Has it won the race to your adult character? Are you a defeatist? Is that acceptable to you, or would you want therapy to help you be something more? With work, you might become me, or someone with a wider armamentarium.