Future post #1: Your mother didn't have it to give

This is an article that I will not write until I am hopefully much older, and a few months distant from my deathbed.  That’s because this is the bleakest information that I will ever have to offer, and I will not have the guts for it ’til then.  The full title could be, “Your mother didn’t have it to give, or you couldn’t have received it anyway.”  My idea contradicts Vereshack’s* insightful postulate –

“We are the living disguise of a primitive and powerful childhood self.”

– with the assertion that we did not actually reach childhood, a place that implies a consciousness capable of moving and looking in the world, though maybe in fear or rage.  I believe that we remained in frozen fear and hurt that could never become verbal.  It needed the perfect mother (not the “good enough”** one) to pull it from hell; but that would be nearly impossible because she would have to know that is exactly what she was doing.  Otherwise we would be alone – the beginning of our aloneness.

The next idea would be that all of our words, thoughts, acts, feelings, beliefs, cradle-to-grave symphonies are slow-running escapes from that monster in our dreams.  As Janov*** said, we wake from sleep not into consciousness but into unconsciousness: Our back turned, we don’t see the monster as we go about our day.  But it, a blanket of fire, is always swaddling us.

So the day will come when I write this article.  In the meantime we drink wine or beer or Rachmaninoff to feel good; we work or play.  But if we are acute, we feel what we can’t see or feel: There is some disconnect between us and all the things of the world that should be orgasms to our eyes, our skin.  And we may know that we are still at our beginning.

’Til then.

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* Vereshack’s on-line psychotherapy book, often quoted in this blog.  From Chapter 2 -- http://www.paulvereshack.com/helpme/chapt2.html.

** Winnicott’s idea of the good enough mother.

*** Arthur Janov, PhD.  This idea is found in either The Primal Scream or The New Primal Scream – or both.