"You've informed me that your son is mean to his little sister. He destroys her toys, he shoves her, and he screams at her. He spits on the floor. He misses the toilet on purpose. He lies about having homework. That's to say, he acts out. Acting out is not the expressing of feelings. It's the physical and verbal tension release that results from the suppression of feelings. He does this because he has powerful sensations and feelings and no words for them, or because he is afraid to say the words and holds them in. Or he says things that don't make sense because he's afraid to be direct. A goal of therapy is to help the child become himself and not lose himself, to grow his unique personhood by expressing it. That requires that you hear him and accept that he has a right to all of his feelings, whatever they are. So I want you to know that if we're doing good work in his time here, you will hear, at home, his voice where you once saw his angry fists: words of injustice and accusation and frustration and self-pity, and hopefully eventually jubilation and silliness, and words that tell you directly what is up with him. You'll have to be man enough to take him seriously, and with respect. Your manner will have to be expansive and benign, protective, not childish and hurt. Remember that his unpleasant emotions are exactly as valid as ours.
"To summarize, had I not talked to you about this, you might be thinking your son was getting worse by confronting you, speaking clearly and with courage. When in fact that is a good sign, a sign that he is feeling better and that he is growing."
Adult therapists (18 to the age when the parents and siblings are still living and cognizantly involved in their "identified patient" family member's life) may do the following, but I doubt it confidently. They should have the client say to the family gathering:
"As you know, or now you know, I am in therapy. I've been learning a lot about myself and about you. I've been learning sobering and unpleasant things about the way I grew up, the way I was raised, and the whole family network. I've learned that I was treated as if I was invisible, the convenient, passive child. I didn't grow a voice, which happens when no one is noticing or caring. I'm telling you this because I want to prevent your shock of seeing me speak up loudly, sometimes very loudly. And not smiling when nothing is funny. It's not a good idea to hold feelings in for twenty-five years. This is a new day. Are there any questions?"
These ideas, these two types of "informed consent," were inspired by a therapy in which my client, 19, has been slowly finding her feelings and growing her voice. In her childhood, she never spoke up as she knew that no one in her immediate family noticed her. She needs to stop their toxic asses in their tracks. She needs to say: "I'm giving notice. Life will be a little different now. I'm over being invisible in this family. You may not have done it purposely or consciously for nineteen years, but it was blind and ignorant, and it was sick."
When you are starting to change in therapy, you will probably feel strange and inhibited in your family that has not grown, has never moved on in time, that only knows you as a child. It will help you open up if you announce the changes that will immediately happen.
yes.
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