That pea down there*

 

This short article consists of my email to a client, written in the evening following his ses­sion. I had offered to expand on ideas I’d pre­sented in brief form during the hour. Pur­pose was to address his interest in knowing what part he had had in his mari­tal prob­lems. Truth be known, I hadn’t anticipated writing such a brusque (and edit-worthy) response. There’s an essay, probably a book, in these concepts. (But not a fairy tale.)

To client –

I said I’d conjure up a few thoughts. I believe (though not 100%) that your situ­ation is analo­gous to the psychic status of the typical Trump loyal­ist.** This person may have many good qual­ities – hard worker, good provider, highly moral in the public arena, help­ful to others – but under­lying it all will be an injured, unhelped, bitter and angry child who uncon­sciously brings his past into the pres­ent. I believe this about all Trump sup­port­ers, because a healthy or healed psyche will never come to feel good about a diag­nos­able socio­path and narcis­sist. My few Trump-loving clients are still “bent at the bottom” of their child­hood. They have either not healed from, or reached a place of grace with, their past critical injuries.

Similarly, I think you have that toxic splinter still embed­ded in your child­hood base and it has bent you to a level of anger and self-pres­er­va­tion that can obliter­ate the good and – let’s say it – self-sacri­ficial and altru­istic feelings you are presum­ably also capable of and that are neces­sary in a lov­ing mar­riage. In times of stress, you will default to the child’s nega­tivity. In time, the boy’s never-healed frus­tra­tions may trans­mog­rify to a deso­late, crash-and-burn impulse and emo­tional philos­ophy. This is the realm of the “anger versus hurt” that I briefly described in the last session. An example: If my wife were to suggest that I am not very good at my profes­sion, I would be hurt. However, if I still had my child­hood toxic and pain­ful “splin­ter” em­bedded by my fully unlov­­ing par­ents (and other fac­tors), I wouldn’t be hurt: I’d be enraged. I’d con­demn her to hell. This is a sig­nifi­cant differ­ence I think you need to grasp “down to the soles of your feet” (as Sam Harris said in a different context).

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* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Princess_and_the_Pea.

** Client authorized this reuse of the letter with the proviso that I make it crystal clear that he is not – and no one better ever think he is, curse their perfidious name – in any way, shape or form an admirer of the former president. He is not, not, not a Trumpster, by the grace of whatever benign spirit has hold of the Universe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxSgdVHWJoE.