Extended family

Therapists should not carry the clinical relationship outside of the office. Boundaries are critical. We should not offer feel-good compliments to our clients. As Dr. Thomas Gordon (Parent Effectiveness Training) notes:

Contrary to the common belief that praise is always beneficial to children, it often has very negative effects. A positive evaluation that does not fit the child’s self-image may evoke hostility: ‘I am not pretty, I’m ugly.’ ‘I hate my hair.’ ‘I did not play well, I was lousy.’

We certainly should not indulge in the old sexual stereotypes. We should not foist complex psychology theory on a troubled adolescent. We should not tell stories of our own life. Advice-giving is generally considered cop-out, bankrupt therapy. We should probably not use four-letter-words with teens. We should not be critical of their parents.

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“The Text Message Chronicles”

Sixteen-year-old client (SYOC): Hey Fred. I just wanted to say that I finally am going to hang out with Sasha and Brianna and I am excited but also nervous because usually when I hang out with other people I feel outgoing but then later I think abt how I probably was acting annoying.

Improvement-on-Freud Therapist (IOFT): You are not annoying, Dearie-Bug. You might think too much and too self-consciously when with friends, and afterwards. But your personality is absolutely sublime. Take some Psycho-Charmin and wipe away your fears, and have fun.

SYOC: This is the shadow work video I used. (Suzanne Heyn youtube video).

IOFT: A lot of Suzanne’s ideas are good. I think, though, that she should change her name to O-feel-ya (Ophelia), because she thinks feeling is enough in itself. I believe that while ‘feeling is healing’ (a phrase she may have stolen from Primal Therapy), it must be expressed directly to a caring person, not just massaged inside oneself.

SYOC: Also do you think I should go on my phone less still? I’ve kind of stopped with not trying to go on my phone because it felt kind of exhausting trying to be ‘mindful’ and peaceful all the time.

IOFT: I don’t really know Teen World, social media-wise. But there must be more fulfilling and less anxiety- and depression-causing things to do on a smartphone besides always giving a damn what other neurotic teens are so-called ‘thinking.’ Good time to start exploring personal curiosities, like world travels or archeology or pastry cheffing, etc. My cousin Richard knew, when he was ten years old, that he wanted to visit all the exotic places he saw in our uncle’s National Geographic magazines. He became a periodontist (gun disease specialist), made a lot of money, and has been a world traveler for over forty years. Learn gums!!

SYOC: Hey Fred I’ve been thinking and I notice that I often feel superior to other people who aren’t like me like have the same music or fashion taste, when in reality those same people make me feel inferior. How do I stop feeling superior (yet inferior at the same time) because I’ve built up this insecure based superiority that I am better and don’t know how to unlearn it because I still feel superior in a way?

IOFT: As Alice Miller wrote: “A patient once spoke of the feeling of always having to walk on stilts. Is somebody who always has to walk on stilts not bound to be constantly envious of those who can walk on their own legs, even if they seem to him to be smaller and more ‘ordinary’ than he is himself? And is he not bound to carry pent-up rage within himself, against those who have made him afraid to walk without stilts? He could also be envious of healthy people because they do not have to make a constant effort to earn admiration, and because they do not have to do something in order to impress, one way or the other, but are free to be ‘average.’”

SYOC: That is definitely how I feel.

SYOC: Hey Fred I’ve been feeling kinda going through the motions and like everyday is the same do u have any ideas?

IOFT: Hello, you Big Bagel. If every day IS the same and you felt each one was different and exciting, you’d either be the mentally healthiest and happiest person in the world, or you’d be insane. We are, of course, in the most boring time in existence, practically, with the stupid coronavirus. Back when I was alone (no friends around, and no computers or social media), I would drown myself in a novel, like Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes, or Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged. That takes care of a lot of days when you’re intently reading a thousand-page (Atlas) or five-hundred-page (Fountainhead) novel. They can send you to a different world, which is quite welcome when not everything is great in Adolescent World. You could, of course, get your father to buy you a Clavinova, and teach yourself the basics of piano with youtube videos.

SYOC: Hey Fred I need to cancel my appointment for Saturday for a week so when I come back we can make a new appointment.

IOFT: (Sends youtube video of Bobby Vee singing “Take Good Care Of My Baby,” 1961.)

SYOC: Hey Fred I just wanted to say that I feel really overwhelmed with my summer school work and everything because I never want to do it really and also because I don’t like being home. I try to talk about it with my mom but she just gives me suggestions and stuff and it is exhausting having to tell her repeatedly to just listen because it makes her and me feel bad. Everything she does kinda just annoys me I’m not sure why and I don’t know how to just be positive right now. I just take everything out on my mom all the time.

IOFT: I think we know that there is something about your mother’s manner that troubles you girls. Say to her: ‘Do I have to hypnotize you? Listen, then respond with interested questions, not speeches.’

SYOC: I was supposed to go like 2 days ago at night but I didn’t because there wasn’t enough room for me in their car. They went to the drive in with a bunch of people.

IOFT: That is completely nauseating. They invited you and there was no room in the car? What kind of M.F. B.F. Egypt crap is that? I’m going to toilet paper your whole house!

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If any therapist wants lessons on how to therapize with teens, please inquire within.