Pandemic journal entry #2: Lament of Counselor Fred of the Computer Table

“Soldiers, we have fought the enemy wherever it has secreted itself. We’ve won some of the most difficult battles and have come out of them changed, our eyes wider and clearer but greyer, our limbs broken and ripped away yet we’ve marched on stronger. And now there is a new battle before us. Our tools are cracked, weapons strife-burnished but not always tempered. They crumble. The land before us is bleak, with the people hiding in their homes, frozen in their fears and fever dreams. You who have struggled so assiduously, you may choose not to come with me. You may return to your homes and be quiet with your families, waiting for some light that might come of its own. No one can know. But those who follow me, who join this conflict, may see rewards not discoverable elsewhere. Who among you will come?”

And so one half of the client list bade farewell and turned aside, and wandered off to their homes and their simple leisures. The remainder – the intrepid, the worn but loyal seekers – followed their Counselor on their odyssey, on their quest to the ocean’s depth, the mountain’s height, the cavernous id: the quest of Teletherapy.

Half of my client list evaporated with the appearance of Coronavirus. Money aside – very aside – these were for the most part people whom I know were thick in the good fight, the fight of life- or feeling- or thought-changing therapy; who I know were better off with it than without it. Such is human choice: blueberry muffin or broccoli, maladaptive daydreaming or knowledge, codependency or freedom, good or pleasant.

Some, maybe most, will resume services once we are safe again. It will be nice to see them. But I wish that bonds could not snap so easily, that momentum would not leap into coma at the first disturbance. I’ve been carrying on as usual. The videotherapy process does lack some intensity, but an experienced, conscientious therapist can help create the room in any setting.

I would advise clients who continue or start this process to beware of what I and my fellow counselors were cautioned about, which is the urge to merely talk, to chat. One puts oneself in a mood of seriousness, just as usually happens in a clinician’s office. You gently force quiet, which becomes the new medium. To do deeper work, you feel and body-sense before you think. Remember this phrase: Severed head. You don’t want to be that. Though you are home, you allow the inner world to be more important than the outer one.

At the beginning, I sent out notices and semi-nudged a few clients who’ve had a good relationship with me. But now I will just go about my work with those clients who tune in, setting worry aside. It’s not hard to be optimistic that people will ultimately know what’s good for them. Onward, tele-soldiers.