Fools
It had been several
years, but I finally met a man who believed his childhood had nothing to do
with his adult condition or character. His own children were unhappy, all were
angry or burned about him, one had self-mutilated, two had engaged in mutual
incest. He, however, was fine. I gave him a tidbit: “If someone – it’s always a
man – states that he, the adult, is not at all based on his past, I will say: ‘Congratulations.
You have affirmed that you were literally born yesterday.’”
Real
parents
A client was in
therapy because his children, following the divorce, were rejecting him. He had
been an angry, childishly imperious father without empathy, and he came to see
it. I asked him: “Over the course of these dozen sessions, have you come to see
any change in you, or any conviction in you, that makes you very confident that
you will be a better parent now?” Rueful and askance in feeling as he was, he
referenced this matter of “active listening” or, as he called it, “paraphrasing,”
from Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training which I’d recommended. It
was an odd concept which he slowly understood. I cut in: “If I had read that
book when I was thirty and co-raising my wife’s children, I would have gotten an
extremely unpleasant feeling. ‘This book wants me to treat children like they’re
a king?! It wants me to pay deference and acute respect to a child?!’” I said
that had I several more brain cells than my few, my next thought would have
been: “No one ever treated me that well!” and that “logic” would have felt
satisfactory. I helped him see that our emotional capacity is still mostly the
child’s. That if we were deprived of love and empathy in our critical years, we
will not have them to give to our own children. And yet parents are charged
with these virtues. Buttressed by my client’s big sigh of relief and support, I
pledged to write the book, How To Fake Being an Excellent Parent.
Stubborn
children
Facing the
choice of confronting a client’s nonsensical attitudinal belief system or personality
of deception – his male privilege, his endorsement of anger and contempt toward
family, his secrecy about facts I secretly know – or backing away, I will back away
while inching forward. “Your wife’s feelings, opinions and needs are as
respectable as yours.” He will agree in principle but will name opinions of
hers that are not respectable, needs that aren’t really needs. “Your adult
children have proven time and again they are not incompetent.” He will agree,
but name exceptions. I roll the eyes without moving them, smile wanly. Life
goes on. Wait ’til your wife leaves, your family revolts, Child Protective
Services gets called again. Where will your adorable nature be then? I don’t
think I’m being a coward. Kicking the sand of truth in their face might not
kill therapy, but would interrupt the spirit of therapy, which has a certain compassion.
(Maybe, though, they can see the truth in my eyes [when they’re not
rolling]).
Harden the
soft center, cut the cords, feast on isolation
The woman is so
abject, moaning, tearful, frazzled, distraught when her ex- makes an appearance
in person or on paper (in the context of child visitation). She melts to boiling candy. I instructed her that her problem is not that this man has so much power
and strength. It’s that she has had a soft center from childhood on, absorbed
from her dishrag doormat pin cushion childish mother, and is now regressively numbed
in the palm of any power-monger’s hand. If you want to find a new strength, it
won’t first be in the ex-’s direction. It will be looking inward, looking in your
gut at this life-long weakness and deciding it’s gone. Turn it to hard substance. Everything turns
dark gray inside. Cut all the cords of submission
and deference. Now. Say “that’s all” and goodbye to every person to whom you’ve given your self, or to whom you’ve made yourself translucent by blinking, smiling, numbing, curtsying.
Now. Accept rejection from him, from her, from them, from him, her, them, one
two three four five six through sixty-six. Stand tall or deservedly bowed, breathe in the world, eyes clear. In short order you’ll feel the ex- to be the
dirt, the evil he is and your heart rate won’t go up one iota. “Hey scum, sad boy. You write beautifully. All crap, all delusions.”
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Comments are welcome, but I'd suggest you first read "Feeling-centered therapy" and "Ocean and boat" for a basic introduction to my kind of theory and therapy.