Dissociation in marriage

It has occurred to me that the partners in the dysfunctional marriages I’ve seen exist in a dissociated state. They have never been present, seeing and being in the moment. They live in a childhood cloud of wounds and need through which they see a plausible then actual partner. Now, most people exist on some plateau of repression and dissociation above their past. When they couple, two processes are set in place. First, their atavistic need for symbiosis, love and wholeness emerges from dormancy. They see the other as a golden aura, as manna, her flaws are benefits, are even winsome. Second, after mundane reality dilutes the chemical rush of this childhood hope, and immediately upon the partner’s committing even the smallest act of disappointment, he sees her as the embodiment of injustice and ingratitude, the failed need-meeter. “Before and after,” he looks through the translucent mirror of himself.

To break the dissociation is nearly impossible to do by applying relational techniques such as Hendrix’s Imago Dialogue,* re-romanticizing and the like, or Gottman’s “antidotes” to the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling). The dissociation is not in the relationship. It is in the individual. One must have him look to his own childhood needs never met, her own pain never addressed – go deep to tears, epiphany, resolution. Only that can break the adult’s trance and enable him to see his partner as a flawed but lovable person rather than as his life’s need-meeter.

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* Hendrix’s Dialogue, unlike Gottman’s very superficial approaches, does include the potential for “inner child” work. With the “Is there more?” extension of the Mirroring step, a partner may go deep within her grievance to find historical antecedents, pain and unmet needs. But I think it’s unrealistic to expect one partner to become the other’s therapy patient at the length and depth required to undermine the powerful, lifelong dissociation defense. That requires individual therapy.